Everybody’s Recovering From Something

It’s just the truth. When we were younger we thought recovery was something “those people” needed to do… certainly not us. In fact, more often than not, a part of us took a certain amount of pride in the fact that whatever we were going through we weren’t as bad as “them”. Then we grew up, lived a few decades and discovered we’re all in the same boat. We’re all facing some sort of affliction or addiction that has shaken our world, or the world of someone we love, and the only way “our is “through”. This album is for those of us on the road to recovery.

In the spirit of full disclosure, we’re songwriters who’ve been around a while and grew up believing in the power of music to change lives. It isn’t arrogance that wrote these songs, our egos aren’t that big. We’re not pretending this collection of tunes will be all anyone needs to recover from whatever has broken in their lives and needs repair. We’ve learned that often the songs that “trigger” substance abuse (or any other addictive behavior) are easy to identify, though not always that easy to set aside. Unfortunately, upon re-entering. the world outside the clinic there isn’t a readily available “soundtrack to recovery” to help trigger the hope, the courage, the endurance or the faith to make it through the next few moments, hours, days or years. Everything we’ve written and recorded here has been done with the hope that this album might be part of your soundtrack to recovery.

1. Ain’t Dead Yet

I play guitar, I like that best
I’m not a star, oh but I’ve been blessed
I sing real high, that pays the rent
Some days I wonder why, why I am this guy,
And what it all has meant?

I share these tunes
Straight from the heart
And pretty soon you’ll know your part
In the refrain, or in the verse
These aren’t just my songs, I’m passin’ them along
Because I heard them first

So when your soul needs fixin’
And your life’s a contradiction
And you’re burnin’ down like a cigarette
I got songs for addiction, or any old affliction
Some tunes to help you with your regret
What to remember and what to forget
Cause you ain’t dead yet

I think I’m here, for something more
It’s not to steer this ship to shore
Or rescue those who’d rather leave
‘Cos I’m part of this crew, I’m in this boat with you
And I’ve always believed

That when your soul needs fixin’
And your life’s a contradiction
And you’re burnin’ down like a cigarette
I got songs for addiction, or any old affliction
Some tunes to help you with your regret
What to remember and what to forget
Cause you ain’t dead yet

Bridge

And maybe you’re wond’rin’
If this could really help
Remember I’m singin’
For you and for myself

So when my soul needs fixin’
And my life’s a contradiction
And I’m burnin’ down like a cigarette
I got songs for addiction or any old affliction
Some tunes to help me with me regret
What to remember and what to forget

So if you get that feelin’
When you hear me singin’
We’re not strangers but friends that haven’t met.
Well it’s the same back at cha’
And I hope I’m gonna catch ya’
Hummin’ along throughout my set
This is my intro to what you’ll get
‘Cos you ain’t dead yet
No you ain’t dead yet
No you ain’t dead yet
No you ain’t dead yet

2. I Don’t Always Win

I’d be a liar if I said that I’m alright
There’s no denyin’ that I’m better than I’ve been
But every hour I’m alone it’s still a fight
That I don’t always win

No need to tell me what will happen if I lose
I know the hell that will await me once again
But it’s a battle that’s the reason for these blues
Cause I don’t always win
No I don’t always win

Such a sweet companion
When I feel abandoned
Keeps poisoning this canyon
Called my life

So where will you be when I go another round
Have you decided yet whose corner you’ll be in
If it’s a champion you think you might have found
Well I don’t always win

Still that sweet companion
When I feel abandoned
Keeps poisoning this canyon, called my life

Bridge

Every victory has a cost
If I think I’m winning
I’ve already lost

I’d be a liar if I said that I’m alright
There’s no denyin’ that I’m better than I’ve been
But every hour that I’m alone it’s still a fight
That I don’t always win
No, I don’t always win

3. It’s Not Heavy

It’s too heavy, what I carry
I can’t lift it anymore
I can’t lift it anymore
It’s just too heavy

And I’m weary, from the journey
Every night the dream’s the same
Though I’ve tried it doesn’t change
The load’s too heavy, what I carry

Then from a silent place within
I hear something say…

When you’ve given your all and it’s not enough
When the journey’s too far and the road’s too rough
And you’ve looked inside and there’s nothin’ left
There is still hope, if you’ll only see
There’s a light at the end of this endless road
Filled with love strong enough to lift any load
And it’s so easily done for you
Why’s it so hard for you… to believe

That it’s easy
It’s not heavy
It can be easy
It’s so easy
It can be easy
It’s not heavy

4. Still Burn Bright In My Heart

Here I stand, with one hand on the Bible
The other hand behind me so I won’t see it shake
I understand, some might believe I’m liable
To return to the darker days with promises I’ll break

But I can’t climb up this mountain ’til I first take a step
It’s the way I’ll abandon a life of regret
But the winds of my past won’t blow out the spark
Igniting memories that still burn bright in my heart

Well I should shine as bright as any diamond
But something’s always missing, somethin’ I can’t find
If I’m not fine it’s not cause I’m not tryin’
There’ll be no reminiscing cause I’m running out of time

It’s been so cold for a season, I’ve been freezing and yet
There’s a rhyme and a reason I’m taking this step
But the dreams I hold on to have warmed me in part
Igniting memories that still burn bright in my heart

Once I owned it, what was shown to me
Once I realized the truth of all I’ve done
Something seemed to pour all over me
As if descending from the sun

So here I stand with one hand on the Bible
I swear this time I’m making it, I know my day has come

So I won’t try to remember what I need to forget
Cause I don’t want to surrender to a life of regret
Still these dreams I held on to that won’t tear apart
Those faded memories now shine bright in my heart

5. Won’t Go Down That Road Again

How many times have we found ourselves wonderin’
How the hell we wound up here
I say I’m sorry and you say you’re leaving
Repeating it year after year
This is crazy to think that maybe it won’t be just like before
We’re both to blame and nothing is changing
I won’t live this way anymore

So I won’t go down, no I won’t go down
No I can’t go down that road again

Being the strong one or being the wrong one is
Nothing but being afraid
Sometime we have to wake up and stop sleeping
So long in this bed we both made
There’s no question we’ve failed the lesson
That life’s been trying to teach
That frail mirage has betrayed us because
It’s a fantasy no one can reach

So I won’t go down, no I won’t go down
No I can’t go down that road again
So I won’t go down, no I won’t go down
No I can’t go down that road again
Cos I Do Believe… That

Maybe it’s time that we stopped the insanity
Crippling our journeying… maybe
Maybe the step down the wrong road we don’t take
Will set us free
Promise me… (Promise me)

I won’t go down, I won’t go down
We can’t go down that road again – no
We won’t go down, no we won’t go down
No we can’t go down that road again

‘Cos we must believe… we must believe

‘Cos we must believe… we must believe
We must believe, we must believe
We must believe

6. Look Inside

Something is wrong and you’re looking for someone
You can blame it on, Look inside
Something is gone and you think someone’s
Stolen, what you’re looking for,
Look inside

It’s not hard to find, you just haven’t tried
Cause you won’t look inside

And you’re begging me to say the words
I know your heart won’t hear
And you’re searching for approval in my eyes
But it won’t be me, that’ll fill your need
Only you can see what you’ll be if you
Just look inside

Someone is lost, are you looking for for somewhere
That you belong, Look inside
Someone is cross, could it be that you wanted
To be led on… Oh, Look inside
It’s not hard to find, you just haven’t tried
Cause you won’t look inside

And you’re begging me to say the words
I know your heart won’t hear
And you’re searching for approval in my eyes
But it won’t be me, that’ll fill your need
Only you can see what you’ll be if you
Just look inside

Bridge

Don’t be frightened, it’s alright… take a look inside you,
Woah oh oh… Look inside
Something’s waiting, it’s alright, love is there to guide you,
Woah oh oh… Look inside

You can find that love if you’ll only try
If you’ll just look inside

And I’m begging you to hear the words.
Your heart already knows
And I’m searching for a way past your disguise
For your heart and soul, that’s so beautiful
But you’ll never know
’til you first take that good look inside
’til you first take that good look inside… yeah
’til you first take that good look inside… yeah… yeah
Look inside… Look inside
Look inside

7. A Case of Treason

It’s a case of treason and no defense can save me
It’s a case of treason and no one else betrayed me

There are some betrayals that are easier to take
Casual acquaintances we thought were fake
And there are lies and alibis that should not be believed
So we easily forget that we ever were deceived

But it’s hard to buy forgiveness at the price of losing you
‘Cause I walked away from everything I ever knew was true

It’s a case of treason and no defense can save me
A case of treason and no one else betrayed me

All of my excuses never changed the truth
Every hour I spent with you was more than proof
Maybe once a lifetime a love like yours takes hold
And when a fool wants more he’s ransoming his soul

And I cannot find forgiveness in the eyes of someone else
Cause I never lied to you as much as I lied to myself

It’s a case of treason and no defense can save me
I’ve got no good reason I lost the love you gave me

Bridge

And the evidence shows what my heart only knows
Judging from all the love I knew
I’m sentenced to losing you

In this case of treason where no defense can save me
A case of treason and no one else betrayed me
It’s a case of treason and no defense can save me
I’ve got no good reason I lost the love you gave me… I lost the love
You gave me
It’s a case of treason
It’s a case of treason

8. Forgiveness

There are some fences
That are awfully hard to mend
And there are some actions
That are harder to defend
You’ve been gone for half a lifetime
Ain’t it time that we were friends
It’s all about forgiveness… It’s all about love

There are some decisions
Much too painful to make
And there are some revisions
We would trade for each and every mistake

But there is a cure for all the wounds
From promises we break
It’s all about forgiveness… It’s all about love
It’s all about forgiveness… It’s all about love

Bridge

Wherever you are… Whatever you’ve done to me
I’m so sorry I could not forgive so easily
But now I’m the one… Who’s broken another’s heart
And I’m learning what it means to need a brand new start

There are some fences
That are awfully hard to mend
And there are some actions
That are harder to defend
And with all my heart I’m telling you
You’ve long since made amends
It’s all about forgiveness… It’s all about love
I’m asking your forgiveness… I’m needing your love

9. Heaven Help Me

Heaven help me, I’m so sorry
How can I make it up to you
Heaven help me, ‘cos this ain’t easy
And I’ll do all that I have to do

And I know It may take a lifetime
And I know It will take all my might
And I know, oh Heaven help me
I’m gonna make this right
I promise you
I’m gonna make this right

If you won’t see me, That’s okay now
After all that I’ve put you through
‘Cos trust is precious, I have to earn this
You need to witness me being true

‘Cos I know It may take a lifetime
And I know It will take all of my might
And I know… oh heaven help me
I’m gonna make this right
I promise you
I’m gonna make it right

Guitar Solo

And I know It may take a lifetime
And I know It will take all my might
And I know… oh heaven help me
I’m gonna make this right
I promise you
I’m gonna make it right
Heaven help me, I’m so sorry

10. This Time

I’ve been worried about the future cause I’ve been
Looking at my past
And I’ve been worried ’bout these promises and how long they will last
Cause I’m tired of all the failures, and I’m tired of giving up and
I’m tired of pretending on my own I’m tough enough

This time I’ll hold on tighter, I’ll reshape my desires
This time I’ll fight the fire, stronger this time
This time I’m not alone now, this time my heart’s been shown how
There’s strength beyond my own now
Stronger, this time

Well I used to feel so sorry for the ones who couldn’t walk
I used to feel superior, until the aftershock
He was strapped into his wheelchair, he looked deep into my eyes and said
“Don’t think because you walk my friend
That you’re not paralyzed”

This time I’ll hold on tighter, I’ll reshape my desires
This time I’ll fight the fire, stronger this time
This time I’m not alone now, this time my heart’s been shown how
There’s strength beyond my own now
Stronger, this time

Bridge

How long have I been waiting
For my world to turn around, oh
My frustration with my situation
I will not tolerate the life that’s let me down

So I’m betting that my future’s not a reprise of my past
And I know I’m making promises, that this time have to last
Cause I’m sick of all the failures, and I’m tired of giving up
I’m tired of pretending
On my own I’m tough enough

This time I’ll hold on tighter, I’ll reshape my desires
This time I’ll fight the fire, stronger this time
This time I’m not alone now, this time my heart’s been shown how
There’s strength beyond my own now
Stronger, this time

I’ll be stronger this time
Hold on tighter this time
I’ll be stronger this time
I’ll get it right this time

11. I’m Changed

There’s a line that gets repeated, once someone’s been defeated
Dares to rise again and reach for a higher star
Every step moving forward is met with the same words
“Who you think you’re foolin’,
‘Cos you can’t change what you are”

Well I won’t believe those lines anymore… because I’m
Not the man that I was before… you know my
Life is so much more than just rearranged… I’m changed

There’ve been times that I’ve surrendered, to a line that has so rendered me
Speechless in defense of my cause
The evidence of what I’ve stumbled, gave a sense I’d always crumble
And it was pointless thinking I could rise above my flaws

Well I won’t believe those lines anymore… because I’m
Not the man that I was before… you know my
Life is so much more than just rearranged… I’m changed

Bridge

This isn’t something that I could work out
On my own, all alone
I found the power gives me strength
That I’ve never known

Well I won’t believe those lines anymore… because I’m
Not the man that I was before… you know my
Life is so much more than just rearranged

Well I won’t believe those lines anymore… because I’m
Not the man that I was before… you know my
Life is so much more than just rearranged… ‘cos I’m changed
Don’t you know I’m changed
Don’t you know, don’t you know I’m changed
I’m changed

12. Let It Go

I can still recall the hour my father told me
It was time to let it go
Though its mended wing had made it sing
He said the bird I cared for wasn’t really mine
Let it go

“Letting go” he said, “seems to break your heart
Though it will heal it feels slow to start”
Though the pain burned within me so
He held me tight so I could
Let it go

Years have passed since then
And so has he but I still hear his words
“Let it Go…”
“There’s so much of life that can’t be lived
While you’re holding on to hate and anger deep inside
Let it go”

Letting go opens up the heart
There is a new day hungry to start
You can’t change what has hurt you so
But you will heal if you’ll just… Let it go

Bridge

All that’s wrong in your life… Let it go
All that is worth saving is love

Love will hold you tight. Love lifts the burden
And love shines the light, only love nourishes us so
If it’s not love, simply…
Let it go

13. Mama’s Comin Home Tonight

Make your beds and I’ll take out the trash
Find that disc of Crosby, Stills and Nash
Put the flowers in the vase,
get those books back in the case
Clean this place up, Mama’s comin’ home tonight

Feed the cat and give the dog a bath
What’s that joke that always made her laugh?
Put on your Sunday best,
I’ll get my best blue jeans pressed
Gotta look fine cause Mama’s comin’ home tonight

Bet she’s been wond’ring if we’ve been all right
While she’s been recov’ring she might be scared to reunite
Your Mama’s comin’ home tonight

She may be a little hard to read
So let her know that one thing’s guaranteed
We’re gonna love her more,
Than we ever did before
We’re so glad, ’cause Mama’s comin’ home tonight

Well, she’s been working and she’s had to fight and
She’s been searching for ways to hang on to the light
Your Mama’s comin’ home tonight

Bridge

There may be times when you should sit and hold her hand
Don’t have to say a single word
She needs to rediscover
Just how much we all love her
Always, forever

If you need to know I’ll make it clear
I’m not goin’ anywhere but here
I only want one life, with my kids and with my wife
We’ll be fine, cause Mama’s comin’ home tonight

Yeah she’s my hero ’cause she won’t lose this fight
For me and our family… I’m sure we’re gonna be all right
Your Mama’s comin’ home tonight
Mama’s comin’ home tonight

14. If You Could See Me Now

How could, you believe that I would
Ever really make it through the night
Darkness, followed every heartless
Disregard of what was wrong and what was right
And even though you’re gone I finally rose above
The self destruction that I conquered with your love

If you could see me now, would it make you proud
Would you be amazed or would you still have doubt,
Or would you tell me that it comes as no surprise
That I made it through somehow…If you could see me now

Voices, telling me the choices
Didn’t really matter I was lost
I see I was being crazy
Trying to pretend I could ignore the cost
And then I found a way to finally rise above
The self-destruction that I conquered with your love

If you could see me now, would it make you proud
Would you be amazed or would you still have doubt,
Or would you tell me that it comes as no surprise
That I made it through somehow…Oh if you could see me now

Oh how I’ve missed you, day after day
There were so many times I wanted you to know
That the memory of your love showed me the way

If you could see me now, would it make you proud
Would you be amazed or would you still have doubt,
Or would you tell me that it comes as no surprise
That I made it through somehow…

If you could see me now, would it make you proud
Would you be amazed or would you still have doubt,
I feel sure you’d say it came as no surprise
That I made it through somehow….Oh if you could see me now

15. One Of The Lucky Ones

I am a lucky one, one of the lucky ones
Oh I’m watching some photographs, of a terrible loss
And nobody seems to be sure, much damage was done
Or how much it will cost so

Why am I, one of the lucky ones?
Why can I fly, when so many cannot run
And why does a stranger, whose dreams were denied
Have me wondering why, I’m one of the lucky ones
One of the lucky ones

I am a lucky one, don’t know how this could fair
To be one of the lucky ones
Could have been me, who could have been there

I can hear voices unspoken
They’re calling my name
And the eyes of those who’ve been broken
Keep on staring at me
Begging me to explain

Why am I, one of the lucky ones?
Why can I fly, when so many cannot run
And why does a stranger, whose dreams were denied
Have me wondering why
I’m one of the lucky ones

Bridge

This yearning I feel, it won’t go quietly
The answer I seek is somewhere inside me
Oh Why, Oh Why
One of the lucky ones
One of the lucky ones

Oh I know why I’m, one of the lucky ones
And I know why I can fly, when so many cannot run, oh
A stranger’s misfortune, brings a promise tonight
That I’ll do what’s right
And feel someone’s plight
And help him take flight
Like one of the lucky ones

Like one of the lucky ones
When so many cannot run
One Of the lucky ones
One Of the Lucky Ones
Yeah
I am a lucky one
One of the lucky ones

16. I Will Not Be Afraid

Because it’s you, because it’s true
Because you’re far too good to lose
Because you’re here, because it’s clear
Because your love has been drowning the fear

I will not be afraid
I will not run away
I will not leave too soon
And then wish I stayed
I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid

Because I’ve lost, because it cost
Because my heart’s been double crossed
Because I thirst, to quench the hurt
Because not trying is always worse

I will not be afraid
I will not run away
I’ll work the double shifts
’til the piper’s paid
I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid

Bridge

For so long I chose to be
A prisoner of fear
I prolonged the slavery
For too many years, for too many years

I will not be afraid
I will not run away
I’ll let those memories of failure fade

The hand that I’ve been dealt, I’m gonna play
I’ll keep the things I’ve learned and I will not trade
I will not be afraid
I will not run away

I’ll grow a little stronger every day
I’ll face the music proudly that I have made
And if you knew me then you’ll know I’ve changed today

I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid
I will not be afraid

17. Can You Hear Me Now

If you didn’t know, I’ll try to make it clear
Open up your heart, ‘cos love is spoken here, right here

Can You Hear Me Now, Can You Hear Me Now
Can You Hear Me Now

Every word I’m sayin’, and prayer I’m prayin’
Is meant to let you know
I’ll be there when there is nowhere else to go
Can You Hear Me Now, Can You Hear Me
I’m the one who cares

It’s never been my way, to claim I know it all
I’m tellin’ you today, even though you’ve had a fall, stand tall
Can You Hear Me Now, Can You Hear Me Now
Can You Hear Me Now

I’m the one you’ll find, who will stand behind you
’til you stand on your own
I’ll be by your side and you’ll never be alone
Can you hear me now, Can you hear me,
I’m the one who cares

That inner voice keeps callin’, it’s callin’ out your name
It’s from the heart, it’s time to start
A life you can reclaim

As long as I am breathing, I’ll keep repeating
I know you’ll make it through
You’re the one that I love and I believe in you
Can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Can you hear me now
Can you hear me
I’m the one who cares, so much
I’m the one who cares
Can you hear me now

Produced and arranged by: John Batdorf

All songs by:
John Batdorf and Michael McLean
BATMAC MUSIC BMI_SHINING STAR MUSIC ASCAP

The singers:
John Batdorf, Arlene Kole, Bill Kole, Matthew Batdorf, Brett Batdorf, Bill Batstone, Terry Holder, George Merrill, Dan Navarro, Scott Wojahn, Gene Miller, JC Scott, Laney Greynolds, Mike Hays, Richard, Chris Farren

The players:
John Batdorf, Michael McLean, Bill Batstone, Chad Watson, Michael Dowdle, Tom Walsh, Larry Antonino, Rocket Ritchotte, Steve Smith, Michael Baird, Bill Kole, Jason Webb , Tom Corbett, Michael Fisher, Tim Heintz

The engineers:
John Batdorf, David Appelt, Ted Blaisdell, Michael Greene, Guy Randle, Bill Kole, Garey Shelton, Lisle Leete

String arrangements:
Won’t Go Down That Road Again: Kurt Bestor, Let It Go: Dave Zabriskie

The cover art:
Scott Snow, Jordan Smith, Royter Snow Design

Special thanks to:
Melanie Batdorf, Lynn McLean, Vicki Leighty, Neil Scott and to all the supporters of Soundtrax 2 Recovery!

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